There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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