When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
