just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Randomize
