Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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