i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Randomize
