I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
