he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Ladies don't puke and tell
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
