; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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