halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
