OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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