everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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