new low.... made out with someone while peeing
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
