It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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