Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
