i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize