while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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