i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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