if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
