GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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