me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
