she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
