How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
