did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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