He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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