this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
