Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
if only i could text you this smell
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
my poor anus
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
