Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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