Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
