I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
