i need an iv and a liver transplant
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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