sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
