I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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