i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
