I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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