How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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