You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
