on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
