found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
