There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Randomize