he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
