my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Randomize
