and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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