I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
