Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
