Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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