I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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