One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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