Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
