I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize