I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
