I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
