whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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