I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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