don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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