it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
