is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?†This is time sensitive.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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