you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
