This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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