it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
