All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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