this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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