I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
