The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
