How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
