Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
