Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize