We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
