I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
