Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
