Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Randomize
